Let’s face it. Break ups can blow. No matter how much “for the better” or it is.
Some of us are breaking up with 2020 (we’ve had enough). Others of us with a significant other (like me). Or some of us are breaking up with a job. An old way of being. Alcohol or substances. Behavioral patterns that don’t serve us.
And no matter what, break ups can bring a lot of emotions…
Relief. Terror. Calm. Gut wrenching heartache. Rage. Depression. All the things. And guess what… this is normal.
Breaking up with anything that mattered to us is a big deal. So many of us are breaking up with something because it didn’t align, or you outgrew it, or it became toxic. So many of us are ready to get on our empowered horse and be like “Onward!”
And although that’s part of the process, I am also advocating for allowing yourself to feel to death of what no longer is (especially if it really meant something to you). Breakups are death. It DIED. And I am inviting yourself to have a funeral. Not an actual one per se… but permission to be sad about it. Permission to grieve it. Permission to be afraid of what’s next. Permission to just BE with it.
This is different for everyone, and know it will look different for everyone, too. But if you’re a human who has dealt with breakups, I offer the following…
For many of us, we broke up with a partner or situation because things became toxic. Self-preservation is so important, and kudos for choosing healthy over unhealthy. But we still must grieve the reasons we were in it to begin with. People are not usually inherently bad (at least as I see it). And so many times we are longing for the good, the soul, the heart we saw within them or experienced with them. Or if it’s an experience or behavioral pattern, we usually develop the pattern because it feels good (temporarily) or feels safe (even if it’s not really and it’s totally ruining your life). Letting that go can be letting go of who we thought we were. It’s ok and healthy to grieve. It’s a death process to let any of that go.
I am in this boat right now. I broke up with my boyfriend’s patterns… not him. Him and I were magic. Our hearts just clicked. Our souls flowed. But his patterns overshadowed these amazing things… and it got to a point where it overshadowed so much that it could not be reconciled at this time, and if I wanted to preserve the love that I have for myself, I had to go. Many of you may be wondering what happened. This is not something to discuss publicly at this time. Just know this is what happened at a high level. And it sucks. But it’s ok that I am this sad. I have to grieve what we were in our essence, the life we had planned together, his family members/friends that I loved, the trips we never took but were going to. There is so much there that now isn’t.
No matter what it was… you need to have your funeral. It’s a death. Allow yourself the tears and the time to process it.
2. Let go in a way that’s uncomfortable but tolerable.
Letting go ain’t easy. As you’re letting go of what you’re breaking up with, let go of things in a way where you feel the discomfort (so you’re not getting stuck) but also in a way that you feel you’re losing it.
You could be letting go of actual physical items, such as pictures. You may be letting go of emotions or energies. Whatever it is, always ask what is serving you and what isn’t. If you’re having trouble letting go, seek help. Surround yourself with A LOT of support as you go through the process.
3. It can be scary and that’s ok. Let fear show you.
You are entering the unknown after a breakup and a new reality. It’s ok to be scared. There’s so much out there anymore about not feeling fear. I believe fear can be a teacher when we allow it to be. It’s not about NOT feeling it… it’s about utilizing it to our advantage.
So many of us had security in our situation or relationship (whether it was good for us or not). And then boom… one day its over. Feeling fear around the unknown or next steps is normal and valid. But utilize it instead of letting it paralyze you. Let fear show you what you really DO want. For example, right now I am afraid of the possibility that it may be forever over between my former boyfriend and me. What this is showing me is how much I value and long for the amazing amount of love I have for him, the sacredness of connection, and the joys of our relationship. So I am reframing it that I am welcoming in grand amounts of love and joy and sacred connection no matter what. Putting your energy there will help you manifest that reality.
4. Allow the breakup to be a breakthrough.
I am a firm believer that when one door closes, another opens if you allow it to. And not just any door… but the door to the wildest most amazing life imaginable. That is your choice though brothers and sisters. This means you have to trust in your own ascension as a human being. That which is meant for you will choose to ascend with you, and that which does not will fall away. This is where we have to learn to not attach our joy and our greatness to specifics… specific people, jobs, or situations. If it doesn’t align with the highest and best version of yourself, learn to accept. Acceptance is a beautiful thing (but requires practice over and over again).
Breakups are hard. Have your funeral, no matter how amicable or not the situation was. Feel all of your feelings. Let go in a way that is active but doesn’t overload you. Let fear be a tool to you and show you what you really want. And allow the breakup to be your breakthrough.
You got this.